Why having self-compassion is more productive than being self-critical

Most of us suffer with inner criticism. Whether it shows up as perfectionism, self doubt or being hard on ourselves, we all have the capacity to speak to ourselves in a way we wouldn’t dream of speaking to others. There’s a part of our nervous systems that gets hard-wired at an early age, which learns that the harder we are on ourselves, the more we will achieve. This way of being can certainly work for a period of time, else we wouldn’t adopt it. The bigger question is, is it a healthy or sustainable way of encouraging ourselves or is there another way of being to achieve the same result?

If we use the example of a child doing a cartwheel. Our reaction as an adult could be to comment on the imperfection of the cartwheel, suggest how the child could improve it, and forget to appreciate the effort. Alternatively, we could praise and acknowledge the child for what they have done, really seeing their efforts, then follow with a suggestion to improve it. Which reaction feels better? The same thing applies to the way we speak to ourselves. If we jump straight to criticising our actions, we miss the importance of seeing what we have actually achieved. There is a driving force behind all of our actions, and it often comes from a deeper place of wanting to be accepted or to belong in the

world. We want to be seen, heard and acknowledged for who we are aside from our achievements.

So what can we do to soften the inner critic and create a more encouraging inner voice of motivation?

Firstly, the acknowledgement of the inner critic, as though it were a child, is key. Noticing when the inner criticism arises, and taking a moment to pause. What does this inner criticism want you to achieve in this moment? What will you feel if you do achieve the outcome that the inner criticism is driving you to achieve? As you take a pause to investigate this, notice what arises. Perhaps the inner criticism simply wants you to achieve that task for the day so you can feel satisfied. Maybe it wants you to finish the task so you can feel at peace and calm. Notice whatever it is that is behind the inner criticism (ie what it wants for you) and notice how there are always good intentions behind the more negative self talk. Once we discover that it really wants us to feel something good, we can begin to acknowledge it and feel a bit more compassion for ourselves in that moment.

Self- compassion creates softening in the body and a calming of the nervous system. It creates a sense of boundary for our own needs: acknowledging what we want to achieve and knowing the importance of it, whilst appreciating what we have achieved so far. Self- criticism, on the other hand, creates tension and often comes from scarcity. It comes from a feeling of ‘not enough’. If we can get to know ourselves better, noticing when self criticism is coming up, we can create a better relationship with it and turn it into self-compassion as the driving force behind achieving our goals.

From a longer term perspective, the kinder we are with ourselves, the kinder we are with others. The more compassionate we are with ourselves, the more compassionate we can be under difficult life circumstances and towards others. Compassion evokes a similar feeling to love and kindness, it feels caring and nurturing. If we can learn to forgive ourselves for judging ourselves, we form a stronger relationship to ourselves, we feel better, and we can achieve our goals with more ease and joy.

If you want to try this in your own life, my suggestion would be to write down every day for a week the judgements or criticisms you have of yourself. Examples could be “I’m not good enough”, “I should have known better”, “How could I ever achieve that”.

Then, create 3 forgiveness statements with the prompts below:

I forgive myself for judging myself for .... (Eg telling myself I’m not good enough)

The truth is .... (Eg I’m doing the best that I can right now)

Try and come up with at least 3 different examples of judgements to work with each day, and at the end of the week notice if there has been any subtle shifts in how you feel about yourself or the situation. If you don’t notice much, try doing it for another week. The idea is that we have to reprogram old ways of being to create new ones. There is no specific timeline for how long this takes, as everyone is wired differently. The amazing thing is, once we create these new ways of being, like any habit change, we get to have it for life.

For any further information on how to shift your mind set and to implement

change on a daily basis, please visit my website for further information to find

out more. www.hannahblackburn.com